While ‘No’, is a two letter word, some of us feel uncomfortable rather guilty to say it. This reluctance becomes concerning when some of us avoid saying “No” and become a ‘Yes Man or Woman’.
It is perceived that saying ‘Yes’ will be acknowledged by all and they will be endorsed in good books. Although such People-Pleasers have a history of maltreatment, yet, somewhere along the way, they conclude (wrongly) that their best hope for better treatment was just to keep on pleasing the people who mistreat them. And thus, with the passage of time, people-pleasing become a way of life.
I can’t tell you the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone. Ed Sheeran
Many people-pleasers deceive themselves under the guise of kindness. They would say things like, “I don’t want to be selfish,” or “I just want to be a good person.” Consequently, they allow others to take advantage of them.
Similarly at work, while it’s important to impress your boss and show that you are an agreeable person, becoming completely subservient backfires most of the time. You will never gain respect for your ideas and projects and as a result, you’ll never reach your potential if you’re trying to be all things to all people.
I gotta stop treating people like I owe them something. Tupac
Prominent Signs of People-Pleasers
People-pleasing can be a serious problem, and tough one to break. Here are ten prominent signs that someone may be trying too hard to please everyone:
- You pretend to agree with everyone.
- You feel responsible for how other people are feeling.
- You apologize often.
- You feel burdened by the things you have to do.
- You can’t say no.
- You feel uncomfortable when other people are angry at you.
- You behave like the people around you.
- You need praise to feel good.
- You go to great lengths to avoid conflict.
- You don’t admit when your feelings are hurt.
When you say yes to others, make sure you aren’t saying No to yourself.
How to Say ‘No’
Inability to say “No” is a serious issue as not only it leads to a discontented family & social life it also makes the person a pushover at work. The good thing is that certain simple techniques are available to bring this habit within moderation.
- Set your own life/work priorities so it is easy for you to identify when to say No (and Yes for that matter).
- Start by saying no to small matters. Express your contrary opinion or take a stand for something you believe in. Each step you take will help you gain more confidence in your abilities.
- Build the courage overtime to say ‘No’ with full motivation and conviction. As no one be allowed to manage or fix you against your will.
- Never give explanations to others whom you have committed ‘No’, rather it would weaken your stance and impact.
- Other people will encourage you to review your refusal, but you stay strong.
- Remember:
- One cannot make everyone happy.
- If others are not comfortable with you saying No, it is because they have a built-up expectation of you always saying “Yes”. They need to adjust their expectations within reason and moderation.
- You are responsible for your life, and never try to gauge your success / failures through others.
- While taking care of others is noble and rewarding, (without limits) it becomes toxic and unhealthy.
If you are struggling to let go of this habit, seeking help from a behavioral therapist is always a viable option who can help you build the mental strength you need to create the kind of life you want to live.
SehatYab is an online mental wellness service run by leading psychiatrists & psychologists providing a full scope service which is affordable, accessible and fully confidential.